War and Peace

What is it inside the human soul that becomes so depraved and so twisted, that the pain and demise of another becomes inspiring? What baseness have we achieved?

They diagnose this sadism. They may call it a disorder. I’m apt to call it sin.

The taste for blood, the thirst for violence, runs deep within our fallenness. When I was nine or ten, I had decided I wanted to join the Air Force. I was going to be a helicopter pilot. Besides the desire for recognition, I really just wanted to fight someone. To cause pain. To take back the right of vengeance from God.

I can’t help but look back and be ashamed of myself. And of course that now I think I know all the answers, what with being above government and pacifistic, I shake my mental finger at my younger self.

How could I be like that? I can’t have changed that drastically. Who am I, under all the fluctuation and the trappings of flesh? Who is that constant self I see vaguely beneath?

At the heart of it all, I discovered, is my desire to fight. I loved my country then, and I wanted to defend her. A helicopter pilot was the best way I could think to accomplish that. But only through bringing others down would I build my country up.

In my heart I still find this deepest fire, this strong determination to better the status quo. But I think, I hope, that now I have come to understand a better way to fight. I no longer have to fight with war, trampling those I come against. Now I can fight with peace, lifting up those who have been trampled, fighting for the end of pain.

Do you remember the playground, sitting there and twisting the swing until the chain was wound so tightly your feet could barely touch the ground? But then with your big toe you would reach and push off, and be spun around, suddenly carried by the energy and momentum. Unbounded. Released.

Unbraid yourself from the lie that is war. Search for the truth that is peace, for truth can only be found in God, and God is Love.

i don’t know how you were diverted
you were perverted too
i don’t know how you were inverted
no one alerted you

i look at you all, see the love there that’s sleeping
while my guitar gently weeps
i look at you all
still my guitar gently weeps

(Beatles, “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”)


One thought on “War and Peace

  1. melissa says:

    i went to a funeral today.

    i wish i could write you a letter 15 feet long.

    thank you for your words–thanks.

    i love you,

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