Samson Like He’s Never Been Read Before

Tonight Mom read to us out loud from Judges 16, the story of Samson and Delilah. However … we asked her to read in voices appropriate for each character. Thus … this quickly became the most entertaining chapter in the whole Bible.

Let me introduce you to the cast of characters that emerged (note: all quotes, verbatim from the NLT, must be said in specified voice):

KronkSamson is a strong young man, with a full head of hair and a thick skull. Poor guy, even his voice sounds slow and dumb. He’s been dedicated to God his whole life and currently judges the Israelites, but doesn’t seem to quite understand the magnitude of either commitment. Instead, as Dad says, “He thinks with his loins.”

Samson’s not-so-brilliance: “I will do as before and shake myself free.” (Judges 16:20)

Silly Samson, he forgot about Delilah. Delilah is Samson’s new girlfriend, who doesn’t mind his method of thinking, and has some wiles of her own. She hails from the deep South, as evidenced by her obvious acceJoynt. Her trailer park’s not in the best part of town, but she doesn’t mind, and neither does Samson. She’s quite used to getting her own way, and will sulk until that happens.

Delilah’s pivotal scene: Then Delilah pouted, “How can you say you love me when you don’t confide in me? You’ve made fun of me three times now, and you still haven’t told me what makes you soooo strong!” So day after day she nagged him until he couldn’t stand it any longer. (Judges 16:15-16)Philistine

All the bad Philistine leaders in this story just happened to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. How can they not be, when they run around saying things like “Vhen zhe light of mohrning cohmes, ve vill kiell hiem!” (Judges 16:2)

And as far as the normal Philistine people go, well, they were German. High strung Germans who followed Arnold around like a puppy and sometimes repeated his lines word for word. Apparently, when they try to think for themselves, things don’t go too well.hilter_youth_mind_contol

The Philistines attempt to not copy Arnold, and instead lose their lives: Half drunk by now, the people demanded, “Bhring out Szamsson, szo he can pehrfohrm fohr us!” (Judges 16:25)

And thus they all died. The only one left alive in this story is Deliliah.

Hey there Delilah
You just killed your boyfriend Samson

How’s it feel to be a murderess
And know he couldn’t trust you with his life?
Now he’s dead with 3000 other guys
And you’re still alive …

Also of note in the story is Samson’s hair. At one point, Delilah weaves his seven braids into whatever scandalous fabric she’s making, and Samson pulls his hair out like it was no big deal. We imagined his seven braids flying around in slo mo, like Bob Marley’s dreads, smacking seven big Philistine bad dudes, knocking them to the ground in rapid succession, by the sweet power of God contained in Samson’s braids.

Maybe his braids were actually dreads. That would be sweet.


2 thoughts on “Samson Like He’s Never Been Read Before

  1. Denaje says:

    Hehe, that sure brings new life into a classic story!

  2. James says:

    Wow, that certainly is a new way to look at the story. Very, very entertaining.

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