At least once in your life, you must have Amy Stafford tell you a bedtime story.
Once upon a time, there was a unicorn named Sandra, and she fell in love with a horse named Danny. They got married and had a young horsicorn named John. But because John was a horsicorn, he didn’t have a horn. All of the other unicorns were bad and mean and made fun of him and didn’t let him join their unicorn games.
But then one day, they ran into an ice cream shop. Quite literally. So hard, in fact, that an ice cream cone fell on John’s head. Now he had a horn! And now he had all the powers that unicorns have. But the bad and mean unicorns still made fun of him, because his horn wasn’t a real horn.
About this time, a giant was eating pie, and he cut out a piece of pie in the shape of Tennessee. Prior to this there was just a hole in the middle of the United States where Tennessee should be. But the pie wasn’t just pie anymore; it became Tennessee because of the unicorns’ power. This is why there are unicorns in Tennessee.
However, there was a great civil war between the good unicorns and the bad and mean unicorns, and so George Washington banished them all. The bad and mean unicorns went to Uganda, where after years and years of inbreeding with dogs, they are now hyenas. The only power they retain is to drag their butts along the ground.
And as for the good unicorns, they were sent to China. Danny wasn’t allowed to go, because he was a horse, but Sandra often came back and visited him. Have you seen the Great Wall of China? It used to be a huge roller coaster. All the gate houses on the Great Wall are where all the loop-de-loops used to be. It was a great roller coaster.
However, there’s a reason it’s no longer a roller coaster. Unicorns can fly, you see, because of the powers in their horns. Technically, they can’t really fly, they just push down the earth with their horns. This method of flying isn’t very accurate, so when the unicorns attempted to “fly”, they ran into all the loop-de-loops and knocked them down.
Some time later, something happened and all the unicorns disappeared. Or exploded. We’re not sure what happened exactly. But when this happened, it created WalMart.
Dear unicorns, we miss you.